First night… Happy Hanukkah

הנרות הללו אנחנו מדליקים על הנסים ועל הנפלאות ועל התשואות ועל המלחמות שעשית לאבותינו בימים ההם, בזמן הזה על ידי כהניך הקדושים.
וכל שמונת ימי חנוכה הנרות הללו קודש הם, ואין לנו רשות להשתמש בהם אלא להאיר אותם בלבד כדי להודות ולהלל לשמך הגדול על נסיך ועל נפלאותיך ועל ישואותיך.

The above is a traditional Hanukkah prayer… and below is the Translation for people.

We light these lights for the miracles and the wonders, for the redemption and the battles that you made for our forefathers, in those days at this season, through your holy priests. During all eight days of Hanukkah these lights are sacred, and we are not permitted to make ordinary use of them except for to look at them in order to express thanks and praise to Your great Name for Your miracles, Your wonders and Your salvation.


Sadly, I broke my dreidel… stepped on it while I was cleaning, but I’m sure if I keep looking later tonight or tomorrow I’ll find another one (I think I had three total)
Oh, last thing… saw an ‘old friend’ today and she gave me some Hanukkah Gelt which I thought was cool… Interestingly I didn’t know she was Jewish.

Category: Misc.

Questions, Health, other random crap.

I just wanted to take a second to apologize beforehand about some of the things that are in this post…
  If you don’t want to deal with death, sadness, etc. please skip over the “Random Question” section
  Speaking of the “Random Question” section, sorry if it’s worded ‘weird’… there’s so much running through my head it’s hard to make sense out of some of it.
  I ‘tried’ to keep most of the swearing to a minimum, but some spots… well, oops 🙂

*What I’m Watching or Listening to Now*
Scary Movie 1 through 4 (I’m currently on number 3)

*Random Question* OR *Random Quote*
For anyone that knows me (or reads enough of this blog) knows that I’ve dealt with a shitload of medical things throughout my life, from the Cancer, Spinal Injuries, depression (most of my life), PTSD (from the military), Insomnia, the list could go on for pages… Anyway, the point being, a few weeks ago I started having really bad vivid nightmares again… the explosions, the deaths, the sound of gun fire… it was like I was re-living certain ‘low points’ in my life again. There’s only been three people my entire life I’ve been comfortable enough with to talk about certain things and even if they didn’t really converse and just listened, the venting helped.

The first was my grandmother who passed away a little over 11 years ago, but I still find myself occasionally taking a step back and thinking about how she’d react to my actions to see if it’s a good idea or not. I could never put into words the impact she had on my life. The second person, which I’m very guarded in talking about (except to a very select few) is the person that gave me the name AJ and changed my life forever. She’s the reason I really joined the military. The last in the list is someone I’ve written about a few times recently (more so on Facebook)… she’s literally saved my life multiple times since we’ve met.

Although the circumstances are most likely different, I assume most of the people reading this can relate to having people in their life (both living and passed) that have been this special. Now, let’s say that someone who fit the above description came to you for a favor but was secretive about it due to the potential life changing results (which don’t really matter for this) and you agree with no questions asked. Then a few days go by without talking so you have no clue what happened… good or bad!

So… since this is under the ‘random question/random quote’ section where’s the question?
Two vital pieces of information missing from the above is that person two passed away in a tragic accident (which is the main reason I don’t talk her to most people) and person three already knows about person two… With that in mind, I know some people thankfully don’t have that experience in their life, but try to envision someone who would ‘fit’ for persons two and three. Now, finally, the question…
Although secretive, say either you figured out “three’s” favor (or they told you) and due to similarities it brings up a lot of memories, and in turn feelings, about how “two” passed away which can obviously screw with someone who has depression issues… Would you tell them about those feelings? Would you attempt to explain that even though you realize they are two totally different people, the similarities brought on fear that you’d lose them too? And finally, how would you explain to a third-party that it was that fear that caused your depression to go into overdrive and that’s the reason behind hurtful comments being directed at them when they did nothing to deserve that treatment?

*Dates*B = Birthday; E = Event; W = Weekend; X = Closed

Holiday/Event Date Notes Marker
Hanukkah Dec. 8 Starts at Sundown (25 Kislev) E
First Day of Winter Dec. 21
Christmas Dec. 25 E
New Year’s Eve Dec. 31 E

*Medical*
A week or two ago, I started getting this pain on the right side of my head. It was more than a ‘ear ache’ or ‘ear infection’ since all the surrounding area hurt to the touch, from my temple down to parts of my neck (where the cancer originally was). I couldn’t even lay my head down without sharp pain travelling my entire body, probably due to the spinal issues, but the spinal issues make my right side normally the most comfortable to lay on. Thankfully pretty much all the pain is gone, as well as the high pitch noise I heard non-stop for three days, but I can tell that the ear canal is still pretty damn swollen and it’s causing hearing issues. I mean I’m nowhere near deaf, but if you’re talking directly to my right ear it almost sounds like your standing at the opposite end of a large concert hall and trying to whisper to me… I can hear it, but it’s a weird ‘hollow’ kind of echo to most of it. When the pain and everything went away I thought to myself “Well, that sucked, but at least it’s gone and I can hear people when they try to talk to me in the car” since I’m always driving and they are on my right. A few hours after that though I started to get this massive fucking migraine and I’ve been sick as hell for the last few days… my stomach doesn’t really hurt per-se, but the vomiting would last hours at a time and the migraines would last even longer.

As mentioned on Facebook, my doctors are kind of pissed at me still because of my weight. Supposedly my ‘ideal weight’ is in the 168-175 lbs (roughly 76-80 kg) range with doctors wanting me near the higher end because of other medical things… I guess having the extra pound or two in that range would show my body is ‘trying’ to remain healthy or something… (No fucking clue). On Tuesday, I go into the little room and said something along the lines of “Same drill?” as I took my coat off and pulled up my arm sleeve waiting for the little blood pressure cuff… then I realized he’s looking at my stomach funny. We had an interesting exchange of words about my weight before I got on the scale and he confirmed I went down to roughly 137 lbs. (62 kg) which is almost a full 8-10 pounds under where I’ve been staying steady at for a while now. Oops… It’s not like I’m starving myself or doing anything on purpose, I’m not anorexic, bulimic, or anything else that induces vomiting on purpose (in fact, that shit sucks so bad, I can’t understand why people would do it on purpose – not judging, just saying ‘fuck that’ as far as it being a so-called ‘option’ for me. To a point, if the doctors told me I’d have to vomit or I’d balloon up to a half ton, I’d ask if I could get a discount on a contractor to widen the door frames).

*Gadgets*
This time of year… I can’t afford anything new/good, but I have my eyes on a few things that I hope to get by next summer and I’ll wait until probably New Year’s or so before I post any specifics since (although unlikely) I may get some of it (or alternates).

*Travel*
Again, like I can afford it. (I have something planned for January though.

*Updates/Upgrades*
I’ve changed the theme for the blog again and I’m still tweaking a few things here and there. I had originally started writing a new theme from scratch but when I tried to activate that one I apparently screwed something up and damn near killed access to the blog, so I found this new theme which I’ll use as the starting point for the new one.

Category: Misc.

Some say “Life is short”….

Sometimes things work in strange ways… Some call it fate, others destiny, maybe “God” or another religious figurehead. This post isn’t about that per-se since I don’t want to cause debates or controversy.

I’ve always had issues while writing about things I try to say not coming across correctly unless I spend way to much time editing, tweaking, etc. A lot of times the most common problem I have is ‘jumping around’. This post will probably be a great example of that since I kind of want my thoughts to flow and really don’t want to spend the time to ‘pretty it up’.

Case in point, a few weeks ago someone I hadn’t talked to in many years sent me a long ass email just trying to ‘catch up’ and I wrote a nice long email back talking about things in my life… a lot of my medical problems, what I went through because of the Cancer and Chemotherapy, loss of family and friends, and a bunch of other random things. The problem was that I had written that email to him after having been awake for about 2+ days straight so I decided I would ‘proof read’ it in the morning before sending it. The problem with that idea is I had already taken a double dose of sleeping pills and accidentally hit the Send button instead. Now, to give him credit, I understand what he did after reading my email would technically fall under “looking out for a friend” but too a point I felt a betrayal because he misunderstood some of what I had written as signs of being suicidal and instead of emailing me back or calling me to just say “Hey, are you ok? Do you need someone to talk to?” he reported me and I was forced to deal with MANY questions about my current mental status (among other things) which really didn’t help me with my depression issues and may have set some of the ‘progress’ I’ve made on my ability to open up to people in my life back a little.

Fast forward to last night: I got a phone call from the above person’s sister. As I stated on Facebook, she was crying hysterically to the point I couldn’t understand anything she was saying (there was a LOT of noise in the background) so her older brother took the phone. He informed me there was a car accident but didn’t really share too many details, we talked for a little bit about his brother’s condition when in mid-sentence I heard some mumbling in the background and he yelled “Amputate his leg… Are you serious?… Wait…” and he hung up the phone. About 3.5 hours later I got another call from the brother telling me that he had passed away from his injuries. I still don’t know the full details of how the accident happened but the first thought I had after the second call is that it may somehow be my fault… (after the doctors figured out I wasn’t suicidal, I was told he got in trouble for ‘wasting their time’ but no clue what kind of ‘trouble’ it was).


I need to stop talking/thinking about this before my depression kicks into over drive. So, on a lighter note: Sometimes I say or do stupid things that may be viewed as suicidal thoughts or actions (as apparent in the above) and I admit that I’ve dealt with depression most of my life but more so after I stared dealing with Cancer. However, even though I have had suicidal thoughts on rare occasions, they are more in the ‘morbid’ category, like for example driving at night while it’s raining and kind of picturing a ‘what-if’ the car hydroplanes off a bridge as opposed to a “fuck life, I’m going to hang/shoot myself”… Either way, I would NEVER act on any of those kind of thoughts and I definitely would not put anyone else at risk, because I do have enough sense/morals to understand that these thoughts are about how my life is screwed up and no one else deserves to ‘go down with me’. Anyway, yes it was similar talk to this that caused my friend above to do what he did, but the reason I’m pointing it out here is that over the last couple months I’ve been talking to someone, building a nice healthy friendship and she’s saved my life (even if she doesn’t believe it when I tell her) so I just wanted to take this time to not only say “Thank you” but to wish her a Happy Birthday and hope that the sadness above doesn’t cloud her beautiful heart and smile.

Category: Misc.

Almost forgot…

I told her last night when it happened I had to comment about it on my blog. “The highlight of the night was she touched my spleen.”, but the truth is, although that was interesting in its own right, the ‘real’ highlight of the night was just getting time to spend together.

Category: Misc.

No wonder people think our legal system is a joke…

*What I’m Watching or Listening to Now*
I’ve been playing a bunch of Borderlands 2, so just catching up on some of the shows I missed while she’s at work… (Man, I wish I could afford to hire a maid). Another 2 hours of shows, then cleaning marathon until my back tells me to fuck off from the pain.

*Random Question* OR *Random Quote*
Is it wrong to pretty much lose ALL faith in the so-called justice system? How is it that die-hard druggies, scumbags, and all around ‘wastes of oxygen’ can do pretty much whatever the hell they want and continue to walk (or barely get a slap on the wrist) EVERY time they get caught… while someone else get shafted for what essentially boils down to a ‘wrong place/wrong time’ situation. Yes, almost everyone has something ‘bad’ in their past, be it some legal issues, possibly drug problems, or just simply things they are ashamed of and wish to keep secret. Human nature is a phrase that tends to mean many things because it all depends on multiple factors for each person, like morality, different levels of sympathy and empathy, as well as a laundry list of other stuff.

I’m obviously not going to name any person (and I’ll try my best to not give any details that would reveal their identity), but here’s a few things that make me wonder… feel free to comment on if you think justice was served or not, but please do not state (guess or otherwise) and person’s name.

Male, early 30’s, ex-Military… 3 years after they got out of the military (never in a ‘combat situation’) they got into a bar fight and beat a man to death. They claimed PTSD and got 2 years in jail (plus mandatory psych treatments).

Male, mid-30’s (now deceased), ex-Military… spent multiple tours in Iraq/Afghanistan (heavy combat situations). 2 years after getting out they were actively seeking help for legitimate PTSD. One night while driving home from the doctors, they had a flashback and thought the people walking on the sidewalk were enemy combatants. They swerved their vehicle to try to cut them off, hitting someone in the process. The man got out of the car and ran after a second person and started a fight. The cops thankfully were able to stop him pretty quick, but the person hit by the car got a broken leg and the other person ended up with a broken nose and jaw. After hearing what happened, the doctor went straight to the police to explain about his flashbacks and to pressed the fact that there were times he had NO clue what was going on and was literally reliving what he experienced over there. He was sentenced to 5 years in jail (no parole) and 3-5 years of probation. He died in jail about a year into his sentence.

Female, early 20’s… made some mistakes with drugs years ago and lost everything… She used that experience (with the help of friends) to totally turn her life around and become one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met.

Male, unknown age… hired by a drug dealer to kill a person in a hit and run accident. They missed their target and instead killed a different person. They weren’t sentenced based on the fact that it was a death due to a contract kill and instead got 3-5 years for ‘accidental vehicular manslaughter’. <- This guy should have fucking fried... Yes, I believe in the death penalty in certain cases.

Female, early 20’s… got really drunk and sadly drove home (thankfully no accident). An hour or two later cops showed up at their door and said “Miss, have you been drinking?” she said “Yes” and they asked “Were you driving today?”, she responded “A few hours ago” (she never stated if she was drinking prior to driving or if she got drunk after she got home), they arrested her for DUI.

I originally had like 4 or 5 more that I was going to add to this, but I can’t really think of ways to word it without it pretty much giving away who it is, even without their name(s) listed, so I’ll end here.

*Dates*B = Birthday; E = Event; W = Weekend; X = Closed

Holiday/Event Date Notes Marker
Sukkot Sep. 30-Oct. 7 X
Tamra’s Birthday Oct. 5 You may not know it, but you’ve saved my life B
Denise’s Birthday Oct. 19 B
My Birthday Oct. 28 I feel old… B

*Work*
See new “Dates” area for a few details of office closings.

*Medical*
Due to my latest round of ‘full body seizures’, I’ve ironically regained the remaining feeling/movement in the last couple toes on my right foot. Which is a great thing, they claim if things keep continuing around this pace, I should be able to ‘free walk’ upwards of about 10-15 feet (without the cane) and without the constant feeling of falling by as early as May next year. It’s still going to take probably another year or two before I can actually just leave the cane home and ‘be free’ again, but it’s a great start.
I can’t remember what I’ve mentioned in the past about these types of seizures, but please note, these aren’t typical ones that you would associate with my health getting worse, instead what is essentially happening is due to the spinal injury that also fucked up a large nerve cluster in my back, these seizures boil down to the nerves trying to regenerate themselves, but my brain not understanding the bombardment of random signals all at once so my head just says “Um, we don’t know what he’s trying to do, just start moving everything and see what works?” which is pretty painful, but doesn’t last too long. The only regret I have about them is if they happen when I’m around certain people, like the last time it happened, I had previously told her about it and warned her what it ‘may’ look like, but I could it in her eyes that not only was she worried about me, but you could tell she even had some pain knowing there was nothing she could do to help me. I guess I should just be glad that I wasn’t laying down when it happened, cause it fucking hurts a lot worse that way… (it can get so violent that I tend to bounce on whatever surface I’m on, so I kind of get banged up in the process).

*Gadgets*
Still can’t afford to play musical chairs with my Verizon account to get the iPhone5, but I’m guessing by Hanukkah or Christmas at the latest. 🙂
*Travel*
I have a nice trip planned next week (Oct. 3rd) to help Tamra celebrate her birthday. Nothing overly special, but as long as she has a good time, that’s all that matters to me.
*Updates/Upgrades*
Looking for suggestions on some server upgrades, the 12TB just isn’t big enough anymore, but I’m unsure if I should fill the remaining bays in my JBOD tower with 2TB drives, or if I should pull some of the internal drives, move them to the JBOD and put 3TB drives internal (the JBOD caps the drives at 2TB, which is why I can’t put the 3TB’s in it). Either way, finances suck so it wont be until after the new year most likely (unless I have some kind of drive failure which would piss me off).

Fuck it, 6pm, I’m going to get dinner and get back to cleaning.

Category: Misc.